Ahira's Hangar

Best Damn Chocolate Chip Cookies. Ever
(in progress)
submitted by: Cail

....Or, how I learned to quit bitching and just make my own stuff.

....Or, everyone's favorite Conservative readjusts to single life and feeding himself.

So anyway, I was griping to Cailette yesterday that there just aren't any decent store-bought chocolate chip cookies available, and it occurred to me: before my soul was sucked out by the she-devil I was married to, I used to be one helluva cook & baker. In fact, I did both for a living for a while.

So I set off today to make the Best Damn Chocolate Chip Cookies. Ever.

"But Cail", you protest, "how can you possibly bake the Best Damn Chocolate Chip Cookies when Cruella has all of your wonderful kitchen implements held hostage in your kitchen, which is nine miles away from your apartment?"

Simple, I'll adopt the motto of the United States Marine Corps; Adapt and Overcome. (all apologies to the USMC if that's not their motto, and all apologies to whoever's it actually is if, in fact, it's not the USMC's. But I digress.).

The Kitchen: Well, there's a stove (gas), a microwave, a sink, and a fridge. I have a wind-up timer that ticks and goes "ding". I have a few really, really cheap pots and pans, a knock-off glass measuring cup (it literally says "Dyrex" on the side), and a spatula set that cost $1.99. Why haven't I replaced all the cool stuff that I used to have? Because I'm cheap (blame my Scottish blood), and I refuse to buy things twice when there's a pretty good chance I'll get some of that stuff back.

The Ingredients: After a little research on the 'net, I decided to stay relatively close to the Toll House recipe, with a few notable modifications. Gotta, gotta, gotta have dark chocolate.

-2 sticks, Land 'O Lakes unsalted butter
-1 cup, Domino dark brown sugar, tightly packed
-3/4 cup, regular Domino sugar
-2-1/2 cups, Gold Label All-Purpose flour
-3 grinds, McCormick Sea Salt
-1-1/4 tsp, Arm & Hammer Baking Soda
-2 eggs, no shells
-1-3/4 tsp, McCormick Pure Vanilla Extract
-20 oz (2 bags), Nestle Chocolatier 62% Cacao Morsels

The Method: This is where the magic happens. I have no mixer, no whisk, no bowls, no sifter. I have a large plastic container I use to put my microwave popcorn in, which will be my primary mixing bowl. I inexplicably have a Dyrex bread pan, which I'll mix my dry goods in, I have two different sized Glad sealable containers I'll use for my eggs and my sugars.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to mix the Hell out of everything. Nothing is as good, quick, or thorough as a good mixer (oh I miss my Kitchen Aid). That said, if you're patient, you can make anything work.

-Take the two sticks of butter (still wrapped) and stick them in the microwave. Nuke 'em for 1 minute at 20% power. Roll them over and do it again. Keep doing it until they're almost runny. DO NOT USE TOO MUCH POWER, YOU DON"T WANT THE BUTTER COOKED! My microwave takes 3:20 to get this done.

-In the bread pan, I mix the flour, the salt, and the baking soda. I use a soup spoon to transfer the flour from the bag to the measuring cup. Take your time, and you won't compact it. I add one cup of flour, 1 tsp of the baking soda, 2 grinds of the salt, and stir with a fork for about a minute. Then I add the rest of the flour, then the rest of the BP and salt, then stir some more with the fork.

-In the larger Glad container, I carefully mix the sugars, slowly adding the brown sugar to the white, and stirring with a fork. After two minutes and still seeing a layer of unmolested white sugar on the bottom of the container, I put a lid on it and shook the crap out of it.

-In the other Glad container, I mixed the eggs, vanilla, and a splash of milk. I don't know why I added milk, other than milk and cookies go together, so I figured I'd introduce them now, rather than when they were getting eaten. Again, I put in one egg, beat it, half the vanilla, beat it, the milk, beat it, the other egg, beat it, and the last of the vanilla, then beat it some more. I felt like Ike Turner when I was done, but when you're mixing with a fork, you've got to mix a lot.

-So, back to the butter. I dumped it into the primary container, and started at it with a soup spoon. After about 3 minutes, I used a spatula to get it off the sides, then stirred it some more. It's waaaay important to get the butter nice and creamy, since there's only so much you can break it up with silverware rather than a mixer.

-Now, slowly add the sugar mix. At this point I switched to a fork, since I figured that'd do better at mixing it up. I really took my time with this, and I used the spatula to scrape the bowl about once a minute. All told, this step takes about 8 minutes.

-Add the eggs. In order to get a thorough mix, I spooned the egg mixture out (soup spoon again) 2 scoops at a time, and mixed for a minute in between. When the last of the egg stuff was mixed in, I mixed for about 5 minutes more. It sounds like a lot of mixing, but it is. You want this stuff to be completely, evenly mixed, and this is the only way I know of doing it by hand. Think about something pleasant while your hand is cramping, like puppies, a day at the beach, or your ex-wife being crushed by a meteor.

-Add the flour mixture. Again, go slowly, making sure you get it all mixed together well. I did this in three stages. Remember, keep going back to the spatula to get all the stuff off the sides of your container.

-Add the chips, and try not to eat them all. Mix 'till they're evenly distributed.

At this point, you've mixed everything as well as you can. Take a deep breath, and get ready for the hardest part. Put a lid on them, and stick them in the fridge for at least 6 hours. No cheating.

When they're good and chilled, slop them on a cookie sheet. I just toss them on there out of a soup spoon, my mother rolled them into balls, some people shape them. I simply don't care.

Put them in the oven at 400 degrees for about 9 minutes, take 'em out, let 'em cool, and eat 'em.

Are they the Best Damn Chocolate Chip Cookies ever? Well, they're pretty damn good, but I think I can do better. More milk, less white sugar, Egg Beaters, and possibly half wheat flour.

I'll keep you posted.
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Finally did a second batch.

Went with 1/2 cup of granulated sugar, 3/4 cup of dark brown sugar, 1/2 cup of light brown sugar, and I added some tiny little Reese's cups along with the chips.

I think Cailette was a little light on the flour, but other than that, I think I'm making progress. The problem with the Reese's cups is that they're milk chocolate, which adds to the sweetness.
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"In dark chocolate, veritas"

I've slacked and haven't made another batch in a while. I got on a scale about a month ago and realized that I was damn near what I weighed 15 years ago, which is almost to my dream "target weight", so I'm currently shunning all sweets.

I do have a jar of applesauce in the fridge, and I picked up some WW pastry flour, so I'm getting ready to give it another go. I need to hurry up, as I should finally be getting my stuff back within the next few weeks, and I want to do this without the benefit of all the wonderful kitchen gadgets.
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mod's notes: ...to be continued...I hope...